i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
