Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
