I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
smell my finger.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't deserve a penis
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
