Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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