i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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