Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
