1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
