Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
