I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
