Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
