I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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