just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
