A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
