I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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