i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
