I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you traded sex for a burrito?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
