Just fell off a train. Bad.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
