Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
