I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize