I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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