apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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