Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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