Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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