I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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