the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize