It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
