Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
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