i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
