Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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