I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You have to summon your inner elephant
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
