hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
