the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
