The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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