all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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