Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
