Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
