good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
