I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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