Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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