I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So many bounce houses so little time
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize