Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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