I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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