Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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