So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
