Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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