I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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