He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
