Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize