Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
