I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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