It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
