My liver just broke up with me...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
