i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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