my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
