his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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