remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
