I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
