I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
