The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
