Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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