what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
