you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How's work?
Spinning.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
