walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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